If I Were The Bachelorette

I’m embarrassed to admit that I still watch The Bachelor, Bachelorette, and yes, even Bachelor In Paradise. A little piece of my feminist heart dies every time I tune in but I just can’t help it… it’s my guilty pleasure.

I’ve roped my husband into watching with me and we always end up having the same conversation: what would we be like if we were The Bachelor or Bachelorette? We always agree that Mike would be the super sweet Bachelor that makes everyone comfortable, is easy to talk to, and feels terribly about inevitably breaking so many hearts.

Me on the other hand? Well, my vision is a little more complicated:

1. Get rid of the roses. You know how to find out if you really love someone? Chicken McNuggets. 20 nuggets and 25 bachelors vying for your heart? You’ll find out pretty quick who you have a connection with.
2. The Dishwasher Date. This cut throat, group date competition would see the men loading an empty dishwasher with dirty dishes. Whichever man’s stacking style most closely resembles my own (correct) style, would get the coveted sweet and sour sauce, the promise of a McNugget to come.
3. The Ikea Two on One. Together the three of us must build an entire bedroom set from Ikea. Plot twist: we can’t find that damn Allen key. Whoever I want to punch less after two hours gets a nugget. (Because believe me, I’ll probably want to punch them both.)
4. Food Poisoning for Two. “The most shocking date in Bachelor history!” Nothing brings you closer than tandem diarrhea. I just feel like it would be a good idea to see what your potential husband is like when he’s sick AND when you’re sick and I don’t think we could waste two dates on this one.
5. The Drunk Best Man. An add on to the hometown date, each suitor’s designated Best Man is asked to give a drunken, unscripted wedding speech. Nothing says honesty and “remember that time in Puerto Rico we picked up those two uh… I guess they were prostitutes, but I don’t remember payin'” like a highly intoxicated best man. (Bonus points if you know where that line is from without Google!)

I like to think that with my additions (I have so many more, like a one on one date that’s just dealing with me after two bottles of Kim Crawford, ha good luck!), it would make the show a little more realistic and increase the chances of finding true love. Luckily for me, I don’t have to find out for myself because the other thing Mike and I agree on: while trying to dazzle my suitors with my whit and charm, I would be way too sarcastic and mean to them and basically, they would stage a coup.

What would you do if you were The Bachelor or Bachelorette?