Thought I’d be a cool mom. Spoiler Alert: I’m not.

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It’s not like I was astonishingly cool before I had a baby but I certainly wasn’t the top notch weirdo I am today. In all honesty, I’m not exactly sure how I pictured myself as a mother, I just know that I have started doing things I never thought I would.

I use the phrase “Looks like we need to change your bum” ALL the time.
This phrase to me, is the word “moist” to other people and yet here I am, using it daily. It doesn’t even make sense?

Mommy talks in the third person.
“Mommy’s going to go grab your blanky, yes she is!” Perhaps it’s Mommy’s innate desire to have Stella say Mom before Dad, but Mommy catches herself doing this all the time.

I add [ee] to every word.
Notice the word blanky up there? I am constantly making up new words with the wonderful addition of [ee]. I’ve already had a few unfortunate situations, like the time Stella was playing with an octopus…

I sing about everything.
Pretty sure my baby is going to think the world is a musical where everyone has no inner monologue and it’s totally normal to sing about whatever you are doing, no matter how mundane it is. I’m a TERRIBLE singer, so there’s that too, lucky baby.

In addition to singing, I also make up songs like it’s my job.
Some of my favourites include the late night classics, “My Name is Stella, I Like To Scream Really Loud”, “Where is Stella’s Big Burp” and “Baby for Sale”.

My speaking voice has a new, never before heard octave.
And it’s terrible. I desperately try to remain silent when taking videos of my baby because the play back makes me cringe. Do I really sound like that?!

I dance and bob in public.
I once danced my way around Chapters with Stella in her carrier in hopes of gaining a little more browsing time. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I got to the front to pay and my movements were restricted.

I will do anything for a sweet, sweet baby smile.
I sure hope the old adage isn’t true and my face doesn’t in fact “stay like that.” I can’t even imagine the weird shit I am going to do when she starts to laugh.

I have one million nicknames for my baby.
Turns out, it doesn’t actually matter what you name your baby because you will come up with some pretty creative nicknames and then even the nicknames will get nicknames. Ex. Little Stinker has somehow morphed into Her Worship, Madam Mayor of Stinky Town. Damn it, I’m weird.

I could go on for hours, I keep going back and adding more! Babies, they certainly have a way of changing, well… everything. And now? I wouldn’t change it back for anything.

 

 

10 Things That Surprised Me About Labour

My "they just admitted me and ordered my epidural" face.

My “they just admitted me and ordered my epidural” face.

And I thought pregnancy was a wild ride! I have come to the conclusion that nothing, literally nothing, can prepare you for labour and delivery. My sister described it as the craziest 24 hours of her life, and I am going to have to agree. In the spirit of my last post, and to spare you the graphic details of my labour and delivery, here are 10 things that surprised this first time mom, about labour:

1.) I was really glad that I didn’t make a labour plan.
I went into labour with a very open mind and it’s probably a good thing because nothing went the way I pictured it. There was no time for back rubs or cat naps, everything went so quickly, even the three, YES THREE, hours of pushing and it was all totally out of my control.

2.) Getting an epidural does not mean you are home free, unfortunately.
In my head, once you got an epidural, it would be smooth sailing. I was wrong. I was pleasantly surprised that the epidural actually didn’t hurt that badly but I was unpleasantly surprised to find that it only worked on the left side of my body! So, lucky me, I got TWO epidurals and then guess what, right near the end, in the throes of pushing, it wore off and I was in excruciating pain. Thankfully, my nurse decided to get me a top up, unfortunately, it didn’t work. Enter: fentanyl, which normally would have freaked me out, but in the early hours of August 20, I wanted ALLLL the drugs.

3.) Your labour and delivery nurse is the most important person… ever.
I knew the doctor wouldn’t be in the delivery room for very long, but I did not realize what an important role my labour and delivery nurses would play. When my nurse Pauline told me it was time to start pushing, I wondered where everyone else was. (I also didn’t think it would take me three hours…) That nurse was with me the whole time, holding my leg, coaching me and most importantly, ordering me more pain killers.

4.) I was nicer to my husband than I thought I would be.
I actually said this out loud to Mike at one point and he agreed. I envisioned myself feeling a little bitter towards my husband during labour and yelling out all sorts of things like, “you did this to me!” but instead I was quite mild mannered, even saying please and thank you as he gave me sips of water. I did however, tell him he needed to come up with a new affirmation after hearing, “you’re doing great!” for the 50th time.

5.) I was still trying to be funny.
Humour must be my coping mechanism because I found myself still trying to be funny, for example: while I was pushing, Mike and the nurse were trying to motivate me to push harder. Mid push I heard Mike say, “A big hard one!” and I almost burst out laughing. After I was done pushing I looked at him and quipped, “You can not say that again. A big hard one is what got me into this mess!” 

6.) I no longer cared about modesty.
I’m probably the last person you would find at a nude beach so the thought of being in stirrups for a wide variety of hospital staff to see made me really uncomfortable. It turns out, when a baby is trying to make its way out of your vagina, you don’t really care anymore, you just want people to help you. Even my husband got a front row seat to all the action as he held my left leg and cheered me on. There was no, “just look at my face” from that vantage point.

7.) I was less brave than I thought I would be.
Near the end of my pregnancy I started to feel ready for baby to come. I wanted to be some stoic, wonder woman in labour and pictured myself just getting into the zone and powering through. In the end, I was significantly more scared than I thought I would be and more vocal about how scared I was, especially when baby’s heart rate would dip and I wasn’t sure how much more I could push. Luckily my husband was an incredible support!

8.) I thought it would take me more time to bond with baby.
I have never had baby fever or been crazy for babies so I assumed that it would take me a little while to feel connected to my baby, which I know is totally normal. When they put that little wrinkly, gooey baby on my chest I felt like my heart exploded and I couldn’t believe she was real. (That feeling was also a fabulous distraction from the doctor working away to stitch me up…ugh) 

9.) We couldn’t wait to get home.
People always complain about how quickly they kick you out of the hospital these days so I assumed we would want to stay as long as possible. My husband was basically sleeping on a piece of plywood that went wide to narrow (who designed that?!) and our baby screamed the entire night. While the nurses were unbelievable, we could not wait to be in the comfort of our own home.

10.) The truth behind “mom and baby are doing well.”
Now that I’ve had a baby, I’m certain that “mom and baby are doing well” is actually code for “mom feels like she got hit by a truck whilst laying spread eagle on the road and baby is a tiny dictator who triumphantly rules our roost.”

There’s a reason they make babies so cute! Have you had a baby, what surprised you?

10 Things That Surprised Me About Being Pregnant

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Being pregnant is pretty wild and no matter how many books you read or apps you download there are bound to be some surprises along the way. (Ok, so I only read one book… but I have TWO apps…) At just less than two weeks to my due date I am currently on the home stretch (not sure if that pun was intended or not) and have been reflecting a lot on this whole “miracle of life” thing.

Here are ten things that I have found surprising throughout my pregnancy:

1.) I still think being pregnant is kind of bizarre and totally sci fi.
Before I was pregnant, the whole thing kind of freaked me out. Seeing pregnant stomachs morph and move was totally surreal and dare I say… a little creepy. I always thought I would feel differently while pregnant but I am still having a hard time wrapping my brain around this whole thing.

2.) I may live in maternity pants for the rest of my life.
It’s like Spanx and jeans had a baby and I, for one, am a big fan. Maternity pants – where have you been all my life?

3.) I thought my vag would be the star of the show.
From the time I saw that tiny pink cross, I assumed that every doctor’s appointment would involve stirrups. I was wrong, the star of the show for the most part has been this growing bump of mine and my first pee of the day in a cup (who knew?!).

4.) I don’t actually mind people touching my belly.
I like my personal space and the thought of people patting my belly made me cringe. Once I actually had a legit baby belly, and not just a “is she pregnant or does she just love carbs?” belly, it really hasn’t bothered me, it’s kind of cute. 

5.) I didn’t realize that people seem to think there is a prize for knowing you were pregnant before you announced it.
“I totally knew you were pregnant because your skin was so bad in December!” “I thought you might be pregnant because you were starting to get a bit of a gut.” “Ohhh I thought something was up because you looked sooo tired.” There is no prize people, these are not nice things to say, especially to a hormonal, chubby, acne ridden pregnant woman!

6.) I also didn’t know that my growing bump and body would be such a hot topic of conversation.
Whether it’s how small my bump is or how big, I still haven’t quite figured out how to respond… Thanks? Your belly looks like it doubled in size too? 😉

7.) I’ve never felt so in tune and yet out of touch with my body.
Being solely responsible for growing a human life is a pretty big task and requires you to pay closer attention to your body… but since this is my first pregnancy, I have no idea what is normal anymore! So, so many Google searches.

8.) I thought I would miss alcohol more.
This one was a pleasant surprise. The only times I have really missed having a nice adult beverage have been when we’re out for dinner or when I have to make small talk somewhere… I’m so much better at small talk with a glass of wine… or two, or ten.

9.) I have a new understanding and empathy for menopausal women.
I too can not control my emotions or body temperature, it’s frustrating! Oh, and I totally get why you ladies are always rocking white pants now, because you CAN. Liberating, right?

10.) I actually think I’m going to miss being pregnant.
Even though being pregnant is the most physically demanding (my poor belly button!) and nerve wracking (say a prayer for my vagina) thing I have ever done, I think I just might miss having this little partner in crime safe and sound, tucked away with me.

Did you find anything surprising about being pregnant?